The Shadowvale

Lost

2011-10-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

I'm here now. First marking period is done. Don't think I failed anything, I think I can keep up with the work as long as I stay on top from here on out. So why do I feel so lost? This is what I wanted, right? I've got some friends now; two, possibly a third though he kind of confuses the hell out of me but I'm working on that. I've got plenty to keep me busy. I love my classes, and climbing (two of the three friends are there), and playing pool with some other guys (I guess I have four friends, actually, I hang out with a guy who plays pool a lot, too)...now what? I don't even know what to do when I'm not doing any of this other stuff. I can't do it all the time, I need something to do to not think, gaming has been my sanctuary so far...thinking of League of Legends made me homesick. That's what prompted me to write this. What does that mean? The hell kind of person is homesick because he can't play one stupid game? Can't even play Dragon Nest with my roommate anymore, the server hates me for some reason. Can I not live without that? Why? Is it because of the games, because I like them in particular? I don't think so, not really...I've played other games, tried other online games in the meantime. Not enjoying any of them. Maybe it's because I miss my friends...but is it? I didn't even used to play with them half the time. So maybe it's that it would make me feel connected, like I wasn't cut off from one more thing back home. I still read the updates, read the patch logs, keep up with the game. But I'm an outsider now. Why does that matter to me so much? And what do I do? Can't even do some other mindless thing, like watching anime (getting tired of reading comics and manga now) 'cause the connection is too slow to download. Can't hardly talk to my friends because there's nothing to talk about anymore...just makes me miss home. So what now?/v\Shade

Life, the Universe, and Whatever Else is Left

2011-06-19T10:36:00.001-07:00

Somebody want to explain to me why the universe has to be so complicated? So many things happening at once, so many thoughts and ideas and feelings and inspirations mashed up into a pile of incomprehensible sludge and mixed until they become impossible to separate or even name…

Anyway. I’ll move on from the angst-ridden rhetorical questions now. I’ve gotten into both the boarding schools I wanted (New Hampton and Gould), so I definitely won’t be at Lexington High any more. I’ve wavered quite a bit about how I feel on that front, but I think at this point it’ll be good. I’ll miss it here, of course, but I really think that in order to get better I need to take a break and start over somewhere else. I’m not going to be gone for ever, of course, and I will hopefully resurrect this blog again (though of course don’t hold your breath there) along with the usual ways of keeping in contact; I likely won’t be on chat etc. much though for random socializing like I have been sometimes in the past.

So here’s the main thing I need to get off my chest, I guess, whether or not anyone ever sees this. I hate hurting people. I hate manipulating people, I hate feeling guilty, I hate making people sad, and it’s of course the worst when I do it to my friends. I’ve done a lot of that these past few years, I think; hurt people, make things difficult, manipulate people intentionally or not. I try very hard not to manipulate people, but It’s the way my mind works so sometimes I do without meaning to. I can tell you how to hurt a person. I understand people, both what makes them good and what makes them bad and what their weaknesses are. I can tell you mine, I can tell you those of any of my friends and probably most of my acquaintances too. People are best understood by seeing how they react in different situations, and the one situation/emotion that is rarely seen is anger; true anger is hard to come by and rarely seen in public. I don’t believe anyone outside of my family has ever seen me angry to that point, as long as I can remember it’s only happened once; but I can bring it out in my parents, and have on many occasions; if I wanted I don’t doubt I could do it to my friends as well, maybe anyone.

Looking back I just got off topic again, but maybe it’s educational for people reading this? I have too much past here, now. I know you guys don’t all like me very much (if you don’t, you know who you are) but you’re all cool and even if you don’t like me much it’s been fun hanging out with you, for what it’s worth. I’m sorry if I made a bad impression or wronged you somehow but I guess it doesn’t really matter at this point anyway. I need to move on. Those of you who actually liked me and appreciated my company, well, I can’t say I understand your taste (I still have no idea what I bring to a friendship, in all honesty…but I digress) but I hope I can still see you occasionally, maybe on vacations and such. I’m not leaving forever; I’m not gonna forget you and you’d damned well better not forget about me! I’ll be around for gaming online probably, for those interested (hopefully I’ll find some way to get better over the summer; I hate how bad I’ve gotten as you guys have improved and I’m sorry for being annoying and dragging you down). For the rest, well, maybe you’d better start looking for stuff like that so I can do something non-stressful and hang out! Please, though. I have one thing to ask. I know I really don’t have any right, since I’m leaving and all, but please don’t guilt me about this. I need it. I’m trapped where I am now, and even if it seems like I’m running away or leaving you (and who knows, maybe I am…) I’m not doing it to hurt you. I’m doing it because I can’t hurt you any more. It’s mostly my fault that I’ve done that, or maybe you guys are too dramatic or sensitive or something as some people have told me, but please just let me go. I promise I won’t forget you, but it’s so much responsibility just being a friend and trying to protect you and not hurt you (maybe you don’t need it but I try anyway); I can’t take all the responsibility. I’m tired, I feel trapped. I need to get out. Forgive me, anyone I’ve left alone who hasn’t spoken up. One of whom apparently wishes to be unnamed regardless of how obvious they are? Anyway.

I want to keep in contact with you all. I am very selective in those I call my friends; if you are one of those (or even if you know me, if I’ve talked to you, it means I think similarly of you), take it as a compliment: in my eyes, in my judgment, you are a good person, and have potential. Find it, nurture it, fly.

*sigh*

Alright, so there’s my therapeutic blog post. I guess I’ll put this on facebook or something as well…although I think I have some adult relatives there who pay attention to me for some reason so maybe not :/

Anyway, signing off for now.

~Nate~

The Foot of the Mountain

2011-01-17T15:29:00.000-08:00

The man stood outside his towering obelisk of a building. The elaborate golden buttons on this suit coat flashed in the sun as he raised his head to observe the highest offices.
“One day,” he said to himself, “One day I will reach them.”
It seemed odd for such a man to speak thusly. He stood tall, dressed in a tailored suit with extravagantly monogrammed buttons. Though certainly imposing, his presence was less seen than felt; he exuded at all times an aura of calculation, aloofness, and power. When his blue eyes turned their piercing gaze upon you, he looked not at you but past you, and his strong jaw jutted out in a manner not impertinent but cold and ruthless. ‘I am a man to be feared,’ his appearance said, and yet he stood at the foot of the mountain.
The man lowered his eyes again to the door. Whatever his thoughts might have been, the time for reflection was over. Now it was time. He shrugged off his coat, allowing it to fall listlessly to the gutter. The buttons glowed briefly, catching the last of the dying light before being lost beneath the mud.
Now clad only in a simple white shirt, the man squared his shoulders and walked forward through the office doors.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ohey look it's a thing! Nothing special, just something I did at a writing workshop at CSW. Not polished, etc., probably not a character I'll ever use again. I like the concept I came up with though:
(We were given random buttons and asked to write about a person we imagined owning them)

Basically, this guy (unnamed) is a business genius. He's in his mid-late 20s, got out of some high-class school, joined a company, and climbed his way to the top. Took him 8-odd years. Now he's bored, with no more competition, so he's decided what he's going to do with his life is as follows: join a company, at the bottom, throwing away his previous life, and get to the top of this new company. 'Cause he gets his enjoyment not from the work but the competition.

Anywho, enjoy (or don't). C&C welcome, I guess, but I didn't put too much work into it ^^"

~Nate

New Blog

2011-01-03T15:31:00.001-08:00

So, I had this blog once. It was called The Shadowvale. It had about 4 readers, and was about 99% existentialist teenage angst and self-centered whining. I felt like restarting the blog, this time actually making the thing accessible (the other one was kind of secret) and maybe actually posting on it more regularly. The old one is archived (if your really want to read it, ask nicely and I might give you the link) but I don't expect to ever go back to it. It's just there so I can see what I whiny, obnoxious bugger I used to be.

So, today is a new day, and a shiny new blog is born!
(whaddya mean it looks the same as the old one? I only copied the banner and name >.>)
*ehem*
Anyway.
I plan to make a major improvement by getting rid of most of the existential angst, focusing on the self-centered whining of a guy with no dedication or self-esteem and nothing in particular to show for the fact that he considers himself a writer and a DM.

So, if you feel masochistic and want to listen to my ramblings on just about anything, come on down!
*cheesy commercial music here*

~Nate